Has ANYONE found a workaround for the update profile problem?

I NEED a way for users to remove themselves from lists quickly and easily, and I need that way to be available via a link that google doesn't remove. I need to be able to add it to the body of an email.  This has been a feature request, not kidding, since I worked for Constant Contact back in 2013. 

I've tried SO MANY workarounds: 

1. I tried sending myself an email and C/P'ing the link to update the profile in the email. This did not work because the URL recall is genuinely archaic.
2. Then it was created a custom sign-up form that masqueraded as a profile update but this is not destructive - it just adds to lists.
3. I built a landing page on my Wordpress site and used EmailOptIn to add and remove labels from a user. It ignored Mail Opt-ins negative requests.
4. So I tried forcing CTCT to re-write a contact instead of editing one using Zapier. CTCT said that was a firm no-go on that try.
5. Then I bit the bullet and spent days learning (failing) how the V3 CTCT API worked and I gotta say it's definitely beyond me. 

I DO NOT want to learn JSON scripting beyond Google Tag Manager, just to build a RUDIMENTARY and FUNDAMENTAL email service like allowing a user to add and remove their own profile accounts from lists, categories, and tags. The active campaign, Maro Post, and even AWeber all have this function. 

I like Constant Contact. I used to work for the company and have broadly positive opinions to this day, but this simple feature is almost always the linch-pin that sends me elsewhere. I don't want to pay 3 times more just for this functionality.  

Has ANYONE who actually knows how to interface with the V3 API solved this problem? Havey ou written a replacement workflow for the update profile list? If so, can you please share your code and solution for us?

Better, can the CTCT custom code team please respond with a tutorial blog, even if it's for developers as a case study use of your API? I can figure it out from there. I'm a smart cookie, I just don't know the JSON language.

I just can't believe I have to try re-writing your update profile system because you won't do it. 

In case you couldn't tell, I'm desperate here folks. Does ANYONE have a workaround for this?